You need a blue sky holiday.

2007-02-03T23:37:00.000-08:00

i just watched the boondock saints and i loved it.

2007-01-28T23:41:00.000-08:00

The God we Never Knew
-Marcus J. Borg

"We cannot see the wind, though its presence and effects are felt; it moves without being seen. When it blows it blows all around us. Breath is like wind inside the body. God as spirit is both wind and breath, a nonmaterial reality outside of us and within us. Our breath is God breathing us, and God is near to us in our own breath."

"God is not Spirit but a spirit-that is, a spiritual beaing who is out there, not here. Spirit retains the suggestive meanings associated with beath and wind; God is encompassing Spirit both within us and outside us."

I have been stuggling with my spirituality for some time now. i do not believe in "monarchal model" of god. i do not believe that people are guilty and deserving of punishment because they have commited a "sin." sin requires to be forgiven w/ sacrifice in the monarchal model. that is not to say i believe someone should not be punnished for killing another person, i just dont believe that someone should be punished for being gay, for having different views from those that ultra conservatives have. I believe in the spirit model of god-

" rather then God being the lawgiver and judge whose requirements must be met and whose justice must be satisfied, God is the lover who yearns to be in a relationship with us. Rather then sin and guilt being the central dynamic of the christian life; the central dynamic becomes relationship- with God, with the world and with each other."

If you feel like you are uncertain of your beliefes or you want a differnet perspective on spirituality then i would highly suggest reading Marcus Borg's book "The God we Never Knew" Borg is a phylosophy teacher at OSU, and on top of that is involved in many different religious circles, flying all over the world to speak at conferences, to debate with religious world leaders, and writting books about spiritual views. I am very excited to be taking his class.

2007-01-15T21:23:00.000-08:00

Alpha Dog

I really loved this movie. i think it was a brave role for these a list actors to take on bruce willis, sharron stone, justin timberlake, because of the monsters they portray. i felt like it was tramatising when they murder the young boy that they so easily befriend. i guess its another something to think about when you decide to light up.

2006-12-27T17:19:00.000-08:00

tomorrow is my birthday and i will be the boaring age of 19. oh well at least i get another birthday. good thing about this is my insurance company will lower my rate after 19 and becuase i have never gotten a ticket or been involved in a wreck. sweet. well if you want to help me celebrate i think we will go to dinner at the dirty bird or red rock at like 5 or 6.

2006-12-15T22:30:00.000-08:00

sunriver isnt the same without friends with you.

2006-12-14T16:06:00.000-08:00

does anyone want 40% off?

on friday the 22nd american eagle will be doing the new floorset for spring. you will get to work for 4 hours that night and then the next day you get 40% off. great way to earn some money and get a bomb discount. let me know if you are interested.

2006-12-14T16:00:00.000-08:00

dear music groups-
please stop remaking christmas music. your editions of it suck. destiny's child, singing rudolph the red nose reindeer was pathetic... "ruolph we love you boy..." and really p-diddy and snoop and mc.... making your own edition of santa baby in '98 complaining about how sant a is prejudice becuase you live in the ghetto... clever... snoop your voice sounds like you hadnt started smoking yet... shit can we please just stop?

2006-12-04T20:41:00.000-08:00

Girls Next Door

For anyone that is into Playboy, the E channel, or plastic surgery and platinum hair im sure you have seen this phenomenon of white trash. The Girls Next Door features Hugh himself with his 3 gf's. Personally i feel like nudity is natural, however i dont feel like posing with your legs spread is appropriate. This particular episode i saw was with Kendra posing as a Chargers football star, this gf is only 20 and i was thinking to myself.... what would her father say? any respectable classy woman would not pose naked for millions of people to see. what would you do if your daughter wanted to become a porn star? buy a copy of the mag to see what a "healthy girl you raised" or be upset about the fact of how much of a slut she is? I dont think there is anything wrong with being sexua, again its natural... but a woman should be classy about it... lady on the street... freak in the sheets?

2006-11-24T19:24:00.000-08:00

Bragging rights bitches

2006-11-19T23:49:00.000-08:00

capricorn astrology reading for the day

im in a detached phase, it will help me get clarity on an issue

2006-11-16T13:56:00.000-08:00

preston beaks his arm at hood.

update:
oh no wait he didnt. he just told me that so i would come over and make brownines for him and his rommates. Fuckers

2006-11-14T23:31:00.000-08:00

what do you think of steroid use in college sports, and pro sports?

2006-11-14T11:45:00.000-08:00

some one once said once you can accept the fact that you are going to get c's in college, everything gets easier.

High school A's are the equivelllent to college c and d. they say that taking honor classes prepairs you for the class load in college. but lets be honest, honors classes are pointless. now for you hs bloggers, take the ap classes and pay for the credit. DO NOT take the AP test. especially if you have US history with haggy. 90% of our class failed the AP test. myself included.

I have just accepted the fact that studying for days on end on my mid terms and not going out and not partying earns you a solid C on your test. i wonder how the valedictorians are doing, when i say valedictorians i mean the people who cheated on every single test given in hs to earn an A, or the folks who took all easy classes and dropped out of hard ones to earn an A.

2006-11-11T00:48:00.000-08:00

A cultural experience.

I went and saw Borat tonight with Scott. I thought it would just be a funny movie however, it was jaw dropping. We walked into the theater and who we we see? none one other then Ryan Beavers himself. For those who have seen this movie, imagine watching it with Scott, now imagine Scott times two for those of you who dont know Ryan. i was in the middle of these two laughing thier asses off and me trying to process the fact that yeah umm that just happened! OMG! when the Penis wrestling part came, Ryan being the protective cousin he is said mckenzie shut your eyes, and i did for a minute but those two were laughing louder then anyone else in the theater, so i just had to watch.... bad idea.... the movie was a cultural experience and seeing it with ryan and scott made it 10 times funnier.

2006-11-09T11:06:00.000-08:00

an intruder....

so my mom calls me today with some interesting information.... my cousin who is like 16 or so has been in and out of foster care becuase neither of his parents are suitable to live with. so now guess where he is living? in my room. the room that i so excitingly worked to decorate and furbish with my favorite things. the only thing i look forward to when i come home is my queen size bed that has 2 feather beds on it and its amazing thread count sheets and my down comforter. now i wil be sleeping on the couch. this summer i plan on moving to bend to establish a permanent summer and holiday residence.

ps. this also means that whenever my mom goes out of town for work no one can be there drinking because of the negative image it sends this troubled youth, my reaction.... he shouldnt be home alone when my mom isnt there, out of town or just at the store.

2006-10-29T20:56:00.000-08:00

Happy anniversary Mybeautifulmindforme.blogspot.com!

Today is the official one year anniversary for my blog. over the past year i have gone through alot with this blog, expressing my emotions and being nothing but a sorrowful writter, to a person who likes to share her experiences with her friends via blog. For the SOB... little action has happened lately with the sphere i hope christmas bring back some good times

2006-10-19T14:03:00.000-07:00

Megan gets a Mustang....

My sister finally gets a car, and it is a mustang. its a white 96 model. i hear it has alot my miles on it. i dont feel that it is a safe of smart option for my parents. 6 cylinder is kinda sketchy for my sister especially because she has already gotten in a car accident causing alot of damage to my grandpas truck and totaling the other car. my first and current car is my little 4 cylinder focus. while this car isnt like amazing or anything it gets me by and has low milage and is pretty cute. im affriad for my sister. i dont think she will make wise choices in this car.

2006-10-12T15:32:00.000-07:00

A lady should be two things: classy and fabulous.
-Coco Channel

2006-10-01T23:42:00.000-07:00

Today i had alot of reading to do so i went to the Memorial Union (MU) and sat in the lounge. I have been to italy and seem some amazing castles with their beautiful architecture and decor, and i have to say that the lounge is just as pretty. there is a marble stair case leading up to it, when you get in there there are two fire places at each end of the room. a giant rug covers the wood floor, while artisan couches and chairs are in the room. there is also a grand piano which a man was playing... i love the sound of the piano. in the two rear corners of the room there are two spiral staircases. i chose to sit in a chair with a little side table that looked out over the campus. as i was listening to my ipod and reading i would randomly look up to see what people were doing. at one point i saw a puppy with its owner and a family with small children petting it, i saw a couple holding hands and showing a great deal of affection, an RA for our hall was walking by looking pissed off, two guys headed to the tennis courts, some soroity girls walking and laughing, and i think i would have to say the best thing i saw was the street empty, and the interlude to Sparks by Coldplay came on and the leaves started to fall. Fall is my favorite season. its like a begining, a new clean slate. its when change happens, and not just the season change, but life changes. i can be found the rest of fall and in through the winter on sunday afternoons sudying in the MU lounge watching the leaves change color and fall, and the snow silently come down. come spring i will need to find a new place.

2006-09-30T18:22:00.000-07:00

ok so here i am!

i have made great friends here at OSU! my friend Ben, actually he is like my brother, joined a frat ATO and they are bomb! so i have been spending much time over there hanging out playing beer pong and having a good time. but dont worry they dont in anyway compare to you SOB freinds. Loyal SOB forever! so im excited to join a sorority. it will be alot of fun! whats everyone else up to?

2006-09-21T22:12:00.000-07:00

FINN IS IN!!!!!!!

peace out mcdreamy!

2006-09-19T17:35:00.000-07:00

ok so im here in a new place and i love it to death! today we walked from the MU (memorial union) and when i say we i mean all the freshmen that wanted to go and we walked down the the gym and had a big orrientation. i am also thinking about joining a soroity. i think it would be really fun! my roomate has a bf that lives off campus and she is going to get her teeth pulled today and wont be home the rest of the week till school starts. im affraid that once school starts she wont be here alot becuse she will be at her bf app. i know i would be. so it might be nice to have the space but it might also suck kinda. i guess we will have to see. im meeting alot of new people which is awesome and i love it. college was the right choice! now i went to eugene last night and that was alot of fun so i hope i made the right choices of colleges we will see.

2006-09-09T13:53:00.000-07:00

i have been doing alot of thinking, and i have come to the conclusion that you need to do your own thing. stop trying to be someone else, dont copy what they do, be original, dont take the good idea of one person and try and duplicate it to make yourself worthy in the eyes of others. all to often i am seeing a pattern where people are trying to be exactly the same, why, why not bring a little diversity to the table and add your own spice to the mix? no one ever appreciated a copy cat, and now more then ever its time to get your own identity and find your own path, because its getting a little hard to follow the mochary.

2006-09-01T01:24:00.000-07:00

so tonight i returned to the Kat Wok with Anna, it seems to be a tradition for us. It was another good experience. first we were sitting there minding our own business when this was brought to us...

Kat Wok

i have seen the movie waiting where people spit in other peoples food so i was a little sketchy, i tasted it and it was legit.

then when we were getting our bill from our waitress this chef pushed her out of the way and handed me and a slip of paper with a phone number on it. the waitress was pissed and was all oh geez sorry.

so i guess these things happen when you roll like we do. kinda like paris hilton and nichole richey when they hit up LA's finest.

2006-08-29T20:11:00.000-07:00

RIP SOB

2006-08-23T00:09:00.000-07:00

Paramount makes a smart business move.

so i was logging into my email account when i saw this....

Tom Cruise gets the boot from Paramount

i must say that i was rather amused and happy

i used to think tom cruise was a pretty cool actor, i think i might have developed a childhood crush after i saw TopGun. within the last couple years i have lost alot of respect for him for the following reasons:

1. Katie Holmes was WAY better off with Chris Klien
2. His religion freaks me out, i dont think its wrong to voice your oppinion about religion at all, however if people want to go and see a therapist, take an advil for a head ache, or an anti-depressent they are allowed to.
3. Brooke Sheilds husban died durring her first pregnancy, after the babys birth she sufferent post-partum depression, understandably so! there was nothing wrong with taking medication, its not like she is addicted to it.
4. No one has seen his and Katie's baby. is there something wrong with Suri? Whats the deal? if you are so open with making your relationship with Katie public and jumping on Oprah's couch to confess your love, wouldnt you also want to share yours and the love of your lifes baby with the world?
5. He doesnt let the women in his life think for themselves, Nichole, Pinelope, and Katie were/are controlled by him. this leads into failed marriges, and break ups.

if you have any other reasons why the once hot A list actor isnt so hott let me know. if you are still one of those head over heels in love with Tom actors lets hear why

2006-08-16T13:48:00.000-07:00

Entourage....

last night i watched this show for the first time and i have to say that it is pretty entertaining. i love the cast, especially the manage... he is a red head... oh and i might not know everyones name yet but thats becasue i have only seen one episode. however it was a very good one. this inspires me to get hbo now so i can watch it. however it kinda makes me a little upset that you have to pay for the extra service to watch it. its kinda like how sex and the city was. luckily that is on tbs now! wooot woot

2006-08-15T14:01:00.000-07:00

hey is anything going down tonight with the sob?

2006-08-12T21:21:00.000-07:00

waiting for the world to fall...

so i kinda had a small glimpse of what the katrina victims felt like two nights ago. first we were outside jumping on the trampoline in 100 degree weather, the next thing i know my 10 year old cousin is almost blown away by this gust of wind next thing i know the fence is falling over, dust from the house next doors construction site was in my eyes, and the tree in the front yard was up rooting. completely out of no where. welcome to Idaoh. it was so strange winds were up to 70 mph, all the neighbor guys were out in my uncle yard trying to stake down the tree so it wouldnt be ruined. my aunt and i were looking out the window and all of a sudden an transformer blew and there was a fire. we called 911, then we went outside and a house was on fire over the hill. they were affraid that it would spread over the hill because they are in a new subdivision and there is alone of dead grass and since its idaho baren fire hazardous land. so we were getting ready to evacuate... within 45 min the sky was blue and there wasnt any wind. no big deal my first time in this state, Idaho: a wonderful place to live.

pics coming soon, i forgot my usb cable : (

2006-08-06T02:24:00.000-07:00

Shit Ryan Reynolds is Hott...
Along with his quarky come backs and hasty replies, his looks and his amazing smile do him all the justice in the world. move over ryan gosling, your spot has officially been taken.

i dont mean to be shallow and usually a nice body chizled orgasmic body isnt all to important to me, but, i think im going to have to make an exception, and fall in love

2006-08-04T23:36:00.000-07:00

Paper or Plastic?

an interesting thought crossed my mind today as i was buying some caffine in my lunch break... what is more classy for coffee cups? advertising is something that interests me, and i know there are times when im drinking a coffee and i think to myself, man this is dumb this coffee should be in a paper cup instead of a plastic cup. paper cups are obviously the choice for hot drinks, but what do we do when we have iced drinks? i prefere paper because plastic sweats, leaving messy water all over the place and cup rings. then again if you dont drink your cold drink out of a paper cup fast enough the cup gets weak and starts to bend and colapse. and my next point, do people like the dome lids with the whipped cream? personally i feel like a fatty when i have a big giant mound of cream on the top of my already fattening beverage. i have found that older people such as my mom and my gradparents think that human bean is so cooooool because they are better quality with their dome lids, beautiful display of sophisticated black cups, and lids that have an open close spout. on the other hand i have found people my age and my generation perfere dutch bros because they display a hip new alternative, a secret as to what you are drinking because the cup is paper, and when it is plastic its always a smoohing. they take pride in making customers feel young and upbeat where as human is just get in get on with life the end. and then there is starbucks which is a franchise world wide. they do the human bean thing too, cold drinks in plastice and how in paper.
so im wondering, what does the sob like?

2006-08-03T23:27:00.000-07:00

the next to go...

so far 3 of my friends have moved away and are ready to start a new chapter in their life. Lauyrn, Nancy, and Sarah and jill are all leaving the state to attend college. best of luck to you girls.

Sarah i love you and i hope you have the time of your life! college sweatshirt swap 2006!!!

2006-07-26T22:33:00.000-07:00

donnie darko

ok so i watched this movie the other night... and i thought it was really good. the acting in it was well done, i likes the fact that jake and maggie were in it together. it was an interesting concept... time travel and all... but im really confussed as to what really happened... i know that donnie had problems like he was skitso, but was the bunnny real? and so his mom and sister would have died in a plane crash, however he went back in time and sacrificed himself? ok well im confussed so if you have seen it let me know what you thought and such

2006-07-18T21:41:00.000-07:00

shall we talk about the elephant in the room?

its a term i like to use when we all know that a situation is uncomfortable, but no one is willing to admit it. so what do you do when you are in that situation? do you just step up to the plate and bring the 2 ton weight on everyones shoulders? confronting the situation with everyone? or ignore it. and when its out in the open... and you are discussing it... and you are trying to prove your point... do you? or do you just be the bigger person and listen to what the other person has to say even though they are way off in their points? its just frustrating, its almost like you are so over the drama you dont even care justifying or sticking up for yourself (not jeans)

2006-07-13T12:19:00.000-07:00

the day the music died...

so i was at the rotbarts last night, and we were all having a really good time, and i was even sober! we were listening to music and anna and i were snaping pics with donnies camera while he was dj'in with my ipod. and that was the day the music died. i was about to "unwrap" a package of seans when i saw my ipod on the floor with me itrip snappend and broken. i can never listen to music again until i buy a new itrip which runs about 40 bucks. im pissed

2006-07-12T20:41:00.000-07:00

so what has everyone been up to lately? i feel like i havent seen you all in forever, it was like 2 straight weeks of hanging out and now i dont see anyone! so i would love to hear from the SOBS!

2006-07-06T00:46:00.000-07:00

The Sandlot

tonight i sat on top of jess janes roof and watched the sandlot, a great all american movie. i love this movie becuase it shows the passion for something and the team work it takes to get to that place. i love it because it deals with friendships. thats a place where we are all at right now. maybe in different stages true, but we have those friends that we grew up with and experienced things with, it may have been playing baseball in a makeshift diamond in a sandlot, playing barbies with your friends, riding bikes with your neighbors, or going camping with your friends at the end of 6th grade. As i posted earlier i was excited for people to be starting new paths with their lives, but now more then ever i really understand and respect the fact of "paths in life" we are all on them, its those memories we have as kids that helped make us into who we are today. while we may never see these people because we may never meet on the same side of the street, we may pass away, we will hold people true in our hearts in some way either small or big, as being responsible for shaping us into who we are. i was thinking, what if i never sit here with these people again, i should treasure the time i have with them, sometimes its hard to you take treasuring people for grantited. so i am going to try harder to let the people in my life continue to do the work they were destined to do within me and me within them.

i make a pact to myself to sit on my roof top with my mac and watch a movie once a week. if anyone would ever like to join me you are more then welcome to.

movies that remind me of childhood and growing up... the sandlot, now and then, anything else?

2006-07-05T18:24:00.000-07:00

The First To Go...

I knew that the day would come when we would finally all leave one another in search of our own paths in life, I just wasn't expecting it so soon. It seems like yesterday I was sitting in class watching the rain falling on the campus of south and wishing that it was time to graduate. Now however I am in that reality, and getting ready to say goodbye to the first one of us to leave in pursuit of a new path. Lauyrn (named "Girl" on Donnie's flickr from New Years) will be leaving on Sunday for Hunnington Beach CA where she will live with her older brother, take a few classes and work, all in hopes to get into hesitation school at Golden West. I have absolute faith in her, she is smart passionate loving and nice. I know she will do everything she can to pursue her career goals. Look her up someday if you even need a bomb facial and makeover!

Best of Luck to you LoLo!!!

2006-07-04T12:30:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday ANNA!!!
we went to the Kat Wok..... amazing.... i would higly recomend

four star rating

2006-06-29T15:11:00.000-07:00

The Gym... are they built for speed or for comfort?

ok so i have been working out for some time now, and i have begun to make a very substantial observation. there are two different kinds of people who go to the gym. first there is the womens catagory. some women such as myself are the women who have the athletic build, we go to the gym to better our performance in our sports and to stay in or get into shape for our sport. we are the women who just get some gym clothes on and go to the gym, after all who ever said that sweating was sexy? athletic shorts, a t-shirt (probably a sport one like a swim t) a sports bra, and crocks or nke shocks. then there are the women who go to the gym in a little cut off tank top that covers their boobs but leaves their stomach showing, then they are in some sort of tight little shorts or some lose capri pants. these women wear a normal bra (which by the way leaves you in pain after your workout) normally they are wearing a push up bra too because they are totally bulging out. then their thong is sticking out of their pants. they usually wear like the swaet outfit from like old navy or something. something made to look cute but isnt totally functional(are they built for speed or for comfort). the first type of women the athletes dont care what their hair looks like, and they dont care what they look like because they are just working out, if a guy wants to hit on them then he obviously respects her for her and not her push up and thong. then the second group of women do their hair, make sure their tan is perfect, and have a full coat of make up. if a guy wants to hit on her its because she looks easy and he doesnt respect the fact that she is there for any other reason then looking good and "trying to lose weight" these women look like they have an eating disorder too.

im not sure how i feel about the men at the gym, if they are all there for one common purpouse or what? i only work out at one gym so i dont know what other are like. the ymca though is just yucky guys trying to buffin up so they can go to the club and get in a fight or they are old men.

my point is, the gym is a place where pounds were meant to be shed, muscles were meant to be built and self respect is often increased. the gym is not vibes or high waters. its not a preparty night hot spot for people to go and check each other out.

2006-06-27T00:35:00.000-07:00

ok so i finally added links, if i forgot you let me know!

ps.... i just added people no one is in any order.

2006-06-26T17:03:00.000-07:00

"This is not solely a memorial of death, but a celebration of their life,"

I attended two of the three funerals for my friends. Davids was the hardest funeral by far, its weird to see a casket about to be lowered into its final resting place and even more weird to think that your once living breathing friend is now lifeless in a box awaiting decay. i know that is graphic but its what i think. I know that Davids body isnt really him though because it wasnt his outward appearance that made him who is was, it was his spirit and his soal that made that smile what it was, warm and loving. it was his passion for life that mad his eyes glitter. T-bos funeral was alot easier for me to deal with although i wasnt expecting him to be in an urn. i was looking for a coffin the whole time, and finally realized that his remains were in a blue and white porcelin vase. i think it would be easier to be creamated becasue you can be planted in all the places you love, spread all over so that whenever your family wants to visit you they are able to just go to that river where they spread you, or that mountain, or that beach, or wherever. i just dont think i would want to be rotting in the ground.

the service on sunday was a memorial. and i didnt cry once. i was over crying i dont think my body could produce tears plus it was over 100 degrees and i was burning up so i was dehiydrated. it was a beautiful service, i loved the slide show, and the people speaking about the memories of the boys. it really was a celebration of life. alot of people said they didnt want to go to the memorial because it was at the church, or because they were burnt out on having to relive this, but i was happy to see and to be there. people got saved and babtised there, even tbos friend mark did, and i was really proud of him because i know that this accident was an eye opener for living a better more pure life. i myself was resaved. my faith in god hasnt been that strong lately and i have been really pissed off at my dad, i decided to recommite myself to the lord. i know that its going to take work to be a better person and not fall into the samenegative patterns but i can do it. i dont really feel like i need to change except to be happier with life and the only way to do that is to fully 100% forigve my dad and not worry about him.

all i can say is i decided that i wanted to recommit myself because we never know when our last day is and i want to know for sure where i will end up.

for anyone who read the paper, it was true there were butterflies fluttering around, it was peaceful, i think that that was the perfect way to honor and lay to rest our dear friends.

2006-06-24T03:03:00.000-07:00

some words i would like to share with you because i love you and you are special.

From David and T-bo's remembrence program.

"A Million Times"

A million times we've needed you,
A million times we've cried.
If love alone could've saved you,
You never would have died.
In life we loved you dearly,
In death we love you still.
In our heart you hold a place,
No one else wil ever fill.
It broke ou hearts to lose you,
But you didnt go alone.
Parts of us went with you,
The day God took you home.

From Jonathan-
"... Tomorrow is not promissed to us, and thus each day should be lived to the fullest.

Seal, dont cry.
When we were young,
And truth was paramount.
We were older then,
And we lived our life without any doubt.
Those memories,
They seem so long ago.
What's become of them? When you feel like me I want you to know.
Don't cry.
You're not alone.
Don't cry,
Tonight, my baby.
Don't cry,
You'll always be loved.
Don't cry,
Tonight.

From me...
It is in hoping that we dream,
in dreaming that we seek,
in seeking that we find our life's desire.

God is holding your life within his hands like a precious stone, polishing it with experience, with challenges and choices, and changes.
God is holding your life withink his hands, watching you change over time into a unigue individual, a shining reflection of his purpose, of his promise, of his love.

Life is not having or getting, but being and a becoming. -matthew arnold

and last but now least... an excerpt from a song from Kayne...

They say people in your life are seasons,
And anything that happen is for a reason,

2006-06-23T20:29:00.000-07:00

life is not what i thought it was 24 hours ago... but still im singing spirit take me up in arms with you, and im not who i thought i was 24 hours ago but still im singing....

As i stood under the tree amongst the other people who gathered to say good-bye to a dear friend, i realized finally that this was the end. that he really was gone. his body would soon be lowered down into the hole and he would be alone. but then i realized that while he is not with us in body, he is with us in spirit. and whenever we see or do or think of something that reminds us of him, or them, they are with us. i dont know why god did this, i dont know the intent of these three beautiful soals passing, but im praying it is a good reason. i am having a hard time fathoming why three boys getting ready to start thier lives were so tragically and brutally riped away. i only pray that i see a reason sometime in my life.

at the end of the service i saw three sparrows flying around. at that moment i knew that they were at peace with the world. for some reason i just felt like the reason that these three sparrows were flying was because that represented them in a way, their free spirits that they had when they were alive, and now they are free. they are in heaven where they are free of the worlds pain, and suffering. they are allowed to be with someone so great.

I love you david, i always have and i always will

2006-06-19T23:18:00.000-07:00

i strive for perfection

so i got a new template for my blog compliments of blogger, but for some reason when i entered all the links it didnt work right so thats why i have like 3 people. im still trying to figure my mac out. if anyone has any info on shory cuts with this i would love to hear them for insance i dont have a right click... what key controls substitute that?

2006-06-19T21:53:00.000-07:00

if i don't say this now i will surely break.

As human beings its our nature to try and control our lives, to try and control our friends, our family, our jobs, our partners, our kids, our situations. Many of us are the type of people that are are willing to be controlled by others while some of us like to control. i have recently learned that if we feel threatened enough, we will take control of something in order to protect ourselves. But what happens when in by taking control to protect yourself you hurt other people? And then where do you draw the line of sancifying the fact that they are hurting you so it was ok to do something about it even if it hurts them. People who like to take control will hurt someone to protect themselves from continually being hurt. People who don't take control will just pretend like nothing is happening. i cant allow someone to hurt me, so i like to take control and try and fix what's wrong. i guess sometimes in life you just gotta tell everyone to fuck off and love yourself?

What do you think?

2006-06-12T20:03:00.000-07:00

With much anticipation.... MY BABY... well if you didnt know i was secretly expecting... and the moment i have been waiting for is finally about to arrive. the birth of the new version of the macbook is now mine on June 22 i will be writting all my bomb blogs on that thing. this computer is good for blogger because i will be more apt to write, i will feel so bomb with it that i will write about fabulous things, and web browsing will be way more fun with it. so stay tuned for more news on the best information on the best thing that has ever happened to me!

2006-06-10T16:51:00.000-07:00

Graduation...

well this day came... and i never thought it would, and now that it has im excited for the rest of my life... oregon state will be ok. im going to be ok there. im ready to say goodbye. what was everyones thoughts and feelings when they graduated, moved away, or stayed here, im begining to feel like old in a way. like im in that place where alot of my friends are older then me and they have careers, are in college, on their own. and im starting to realize that thats the next step that i am going to take.

Here's a toast to all those who hear me all to well.
Here's to the night we felt alive.
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry.
Here's to goodbye tomorrow's going to come to soon.

tomorrow will come to soon, and it yet it is so far away. here is to tomorrow, today, and forever.

ps.... our class song is five for fighting 100 years... :( not that tight
pss.... im obviously retarded.... lol i was still wishing our class song could have been as good as scotts.

2006-05-30T21:01:00.000-07:00

bills bills bills bills bills

yes it seems like once you reach a certain age you get alot of bills. mine are in the form of a tire payment, a cell phone, and a credit card... so what is really great, i pay to get new tires, then i get the allignment fixed, and what happens? my sister reaches down to get her cell phone out of her purse while she is driving my car and runs into a curb and punctures the tire and shatters the wheel cover so she has to now pay for a new tire, a new cover 50 bucks, and new allignment 60 bucks and how much does she make... 60 bucks every 2 weeks so now my mom is going to have to pay for it becuse my sister cant and it has to be fixed tomorrow or else i will hemorage. its frustrating

today i took my moms car to get the tags changed, and i didnt know they were expired so i get pulled over and get a fix it ticket in my name for my moms car, the engine light was on too so i had to take it to the shop wait an hour and half then go to emissions and they said it didnt pass because it wasnt out of the shop long enough. so it was a shitty car day. im kinda pissed like my sister hasno responsibility like doesnt have to pay for gas or anything... uggg

anyone feel like they are swimming in their bills and then something happens and they are screwed over?

2006-05-23T00:35:00.000-07:00

The Da Vinci Code

I know that this movie was based upon "fiction" but for some reason i have to wonder, is it so hard to believe that jesus himself, was at all like the people who he gave his life for? could he actually have been a man? They call him your "king" "father" "savior" "prince of peace" "son" "holy Spirit" but is it so hard to believe that a simple carpenter and his wife to be bor and raised a son, and a man? I just have to wonder... did god really intend jesus to be anything but a man? i dont understand why he would create this man named adam and then make him a companion so he wouldnt be lonely... and then expect to put this "awesome being" named jesus to live his life without the same companionship. now you can argue that he had his diciples as companions, yes thats true, but im talking about the heart and soul companion. the one that makes you you, the one who makes you complete. is it really that hard to believe that jesus really wasnt married, really didnt have sex, and really didnt have any kids what so ever? i dont think that jesus walked around thinking im better then you because i am the son of god, he was equal amongst his peers even though he perfromed great miracles and then in turn earned the title our "king" and "savior"anyways i really enjoyed reading this book, and watching the movie, it was almost followed to a t. some art work was left out, and for the record, SOPHIE has a living brother, he was the one who was in the church at the end and told them they would be closing the church soon. the director didnt tell you that was the brother at all, but if you read the book you would be able to tell that was her brother from the look he gave her, the look that they were connected. and thats why he called upon his fellow brotherin. I liked the da vinci code very much. i know that it is much loved and much hated... anyone have an oppinion?

2006-05-12T00:44:00.000-07:00

Jacks mannequin has stolen my heart. a man who writes his own music and sings while he plays the piano. i think he is amazing not only because of something corporate, but because he made a solo albumn after he was diagonosed with leukemia. he now spreads awareness and tries to rasise money for cancer awareness. check out his story at myspace http://www.myspace.com/jacksmannequin

check out his cd at the official website

www.jacksmannequin.com

2006-05-01T01:25:00.000-07:00

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF
Believe in yourself, believe you were made

to do any task without calling for aid.
Believe in yourself, you're devinely designedand

perfectly made for the work of mankind.
A mind to do thinking, two hands and two eyes

are all the equipment God gives to the wise.
Believe without growing to scornfully proud

that you are the greatest and least are endowed.
This truth must cling to through danger and pain

the heights other have reached you also can attain.
The wisdom of aged is yours if you'll read

but you have to believe in yourself to succeed.

-Unknown

my grandma sent this poem to me in the mail upon my awardence of scholarships and soon aproaching graduation. she used to give it to her students as they left Scenic High School. Enjoy.

2006-04-26T18:45:00.000-07:00

i never knew that everything was falling through that everyone i knew was waiting on a cue...

so have you ever hated the place you work at that it has made you come home and cry? like really my passion in life is to help people, to be there, to be the shoulder to lean on when there is no one else. there were those who were there for me through my parents entire seperation, divorce, and gruesome aftermath. and there are a couple people who continue to be that supportive shoulder. someone who is willing to stick by your side through your bitching, crying, so anyways i wanted to be like those people. i want to be able to be a high school councilor so i can be there for kids in need, someone to talk to. i felt that i would start getting some teaching and guiding in by coaching the swim team. i have found this very rewarding, i actually feel like a better person when i leave work i can see the constant improvement by those small kids and their want to learn to swim. however today i left work feeling like none of that was worth the condition of that place. i poured my heart into that place, those people there are my family my co-workers, even my boss, they all felt like family, like home. and if my real home was sucking, i would go there and be ok. things just dont feel right there anymore. so anyone ever feel like they love their job, and then it turns sour?

2006-04-14T23:08:00.000-07:00

Senioritis...

ok since most of you have already graduated... i gotta ask.... how bad was it... how many classes did you skip a week, how many times were you late, how much did you long for the bell to ring, walk as fast as you could to your car and drive away.... i was over it before it began. i tried to hold on... i tried to be involved but when it came down to it... i just didnt care... by the time the "crew"got their hands on South Medford, and drove EVERYONE insane with the fact that they were amazing enough to name themselves i was over it. i have had a few good close friends through out this yeat though, without them i would have just i dont know lol, not droped out... but choose to rarely come to class EVER. tonight i am sitting here while the disco dance is going on doing homework... and im ok with it. i would rather be alone right now, enjoy a bath, some candles, wine, and blog. i know i might seem like a loser but i have seriously done everything there was to do. i mean my few close friends that are left, we didnt even bother to make plans tonight, and its ok. so anyways, i was wondering if anyone else felt the way i did about their sr year of hs, or if its just becoming a more and more hated thing as the years go by?

2006-04-09T03:31:00.000-07:00

The Island

well i saw the best movie i have ever seen today. it was the island. i cant even begin to explain how good it was. it was written so well, there werent any questions left unanswered at all. i loved it! let me know what you thought!

2006-04-07T00:15:00.000-07:00

Julie Cooper

Julie Cooper has done nothing but torment the members of the OC from day one. the only good thing she did in her life was not allowing that bitch to steel all of newports money. besides that she has been known as the town harlet. HOWEVER... tonight i have much appreciation for her character.
marissa told her... i cant see myself at berkley anymore, and Julie replied, its because you are affraid, and its ok to be affraid.

i have hated watching the oc for quiet some time now because it has been so fake, but tonights episode really hit home in a big way. there was relationship factors, deciding whats right, and i love cohen for being someone who wont hold her back, thats now more people need to be. dont hold her back. and i love her for sticking up for herself, but they belong together.
i also felt the reprocusions of the show when they talked about being affraid and not seeing themselves there, i cant see myself at osu these days, but i know i need to go balls to the wall and do it. or else i will regret it.

if anyone has ever felt this way before... with relationships, or being affraid of change, i would love to hear about it.

2006-03-21T21:47:00.000-08:00

yes the journey begins.

life is something so amazing. im so excited for it. i was starting to feel like my skin was just sticking to my body, like the dead cells werent slothing off like they are supossed to. i was begining to look grey and dull from it. but something sparked finally. i have been searching for my spark. i though i would find it in others, it things, in materials. but guess where i found it. in me. in the end all you got is yourself. and i have found the me i was looking for. she was hidden away for some reason, but she is back. and she loves you. i love you, even if i dont know who you are. life is just to short to sit in pointless termoil. in v for vendeta there are these two lesbiens, and one is taken away and killed because of her beliefes. and i learned that just because people are different, doesnt mean that they are bad. i love everyone. (and no i know what you are thinking.. this isnt a im a lesbien speech) its simply a differences dont matter talk. life is beautiful because of diversity. i once saw a field of green grass, and while it looked all nice and uniform, it was boaring and simple. then i saw a feild of mixed vegetables, and flowers, and i realized it was beautiful because it was different and unique.

the afters
What a beautiful smile Can I stay for a while On this beautiful night We'll make everything right My beautiful love

2006-03-18T20:06:00.000-08:00

V is for Vendeta

such a good movie. it really opens your eyes up to the government, good or bad. it also makes you question the fact that just because we are told something by the government it could be totally false. there were so many different ways you could interperate the movie. there was a part in the movie where there are gay people who are raided and sent to a prison one kinda like auswich, they are punished, brutalized, and persecuted for being different. i learned about love from this movie, that its ok to be different. i also kinda had the perspective that who is to say who is the real terrorist. like is someone else the terrorist because they are standing up for what they believe in? and fighting against us? or are we because we are standing up for what we believe in and fighting against them? makes you wonder huh?

more on opperation liberation..... even more liberating things have happened in my life... i think this is the period in my life where once again i find out more things about me and life in general.

i almost lost a friend last night when they "hit a dear" and went off into a ditch in their mini cooper. the details of the accident are still fuzzy to the world... but to me i felt very sad because i realized that he could have died, and i was sad because i also realized that you cant plan for the future because in an instant you could be dead. you have to enjoy the time on earth in each day with the people that you love. and not worry 2 months down the road, 1 year away, or 5. life is today.

2006-03-17T01:47:00.000-08:00

Opperation: LIBERATION

ok so here i am once again. im liberated. from good and from bad. the good thing about all this liberation stuff is my senior paper and project are done. over. i was actually physically writting in my journal tonight and found i could honestly name it the mckenzie's sad journal because all i ever write about is something sad. welll im tired of writting about something sad. so im going to liberate myself. im going to find something amazing and possitive about my current situation, because the out come is really better then the actuall thing. i have an awesome friend, and i know he will always be my friend, no matter what. and even though we decided that we shouldnt be together i feel ok with it because i just feel happy friendly feelings towards him, nothing more nothing less. the physical side to our relationship was amazing. and im sorry to say that was the amazing connection. but at the same time it was amazing so maybe im not sorry. oh i dont know. anyways i feel fine now the rain has gone and the sun has come to shine. nothing can get me down again. out of my heart into my head. sometimes divine revelation simply means adjusting your brain to what your heart already knows. life is such. sometimes you see someone, and you have feelings for them. you get together. and you know what the sparks are, you know that feeling because you have felt it before, and you miss it. you dont really miss the person who allowed you to feel them, but you miss them. and when they are gone they are gone, and when the one who allowed you to feel them is gone say bye. well anyways yoy know the sparks. you know that feeling the connection. well sometimes it just doesnt happen. you cant make love happen. it just does happen, but at the same time you cant make love not happen. everything happens in its own perfect way. like a first kiss listening toa fabulous artist, at the lake, in the snow. cute in its own perfect way. but people please cherrish these moments. i know when you actually do face a heart break you just cry and cry and cry over things like that. why? enjoy them. enjoy all moments in life.

wow i feel so liberated now, my heart is content. and thats a very good way to be

2006-03-15T21:02:00.000-08:00

where i want to be.

im not sure actually.

i am hanging on every word you say and even if you dont want to speak tonight thats alright with me
all i want is to sit outside your door and listen to you breathing thats where i want to be

i dont want nothing from you
i bet your tired of me waiting for the scraps to fall of off your table off of the ground

i just want to be here now

i want to be here now in this moment. for me for you for us for everything and everyone. tomorrow doesnt matter. all that is important is now today.

2006-03-10T01:04:00.000-08:00

Dont Explain music played by herbie hancock and with words by damien rice. amazing. download it

Hush now, don't explain
There aint nothing to gain
I'm glad your back, don't explain

Quiet Baby, don't explain
What is there to gain
Skip that lipstick
Don't explain

You know that I love you
And that love endures
All my thoughts are of you
For I'm so completely yours

Cry to hear folks chatter
And I know you cheat
Right or wrong, don't matter
When you're with me, sweet

Hush now, don't explain
You're my joy and pain
My life's yours love
Don't explain .................. it really makes you wonder.

you can be so completely in love with someone and they everday either bring you nothing but joy or nothing but pain, however its at the end of each of those days that you either realize that love is going to endure ir fall apart. sometimes love means not having to asl for giveness, sometimes it doesnt require an explanation. some times love is just. love needs no explanation

2006-03-07T00:08:00.000-08:00

State Basketball Tourney.... one year later.

I often like to look back on my life a year from then... do you? like this picture for instance... when i look at it i remember the best of times of my life. i was about to go to italy, i was with my good friends, we were cute, we were happy, we were having fun, we were feeling infinate. exactly a year ago i was feeling these amazing feelings. they were just the start to the next few months of my life of happiness. finally i was feeling really good and really happy. bball tourney brought on a new love. something to look forward to. which brought an amazing and beautiful summer. which left me feeling even more infinate. i hope that this trip to eugene with the girls will make me feel like this again. im beiging to get better. but im hoping that this will really give me a kick. there wont be any loves blossoming there however. just one to come home to

2006-03-01T23:48:00.000-08:00

hmm just thought of this with the help of my dear friend! what do you think of this? what is the first thing that leaves you? and what is the first thing that returns to you?

Mtwarrior158: i miss touch
Mtwarrior158: i think thats the sense of mine that has been deprived the most recently
Mtwarrior158: and it makes me depresed
bitOhoney937: it is the thing that goes first
bitOhoney937: when you end the relationship
bitOhoney937: the touch is the first to go
bitOhoney937: and you dont realize it until the next time you are touched
abitOhoney937: and then you remember it
bitOhoney937: and for an instant you remember them
bitOhoney937: a small glimmer of them
bitOhoney937: but hopefully the one who is touching you is even better then the one before

2006-03-01T23:34:00.000-08:00

I bruise easily.... natasha bedingfield

My skin is like a map
Of where my heart has been
And I cant hide the marks
Its not a negative thing
So I let down my guard
Drop my defences down by my clothes
I'm learning to fall
With no safety net to cushion the blow

I bruise easilySo be gentle when u handle me
Theres a mark you leave
Like a love heart carved on a treeI
bruise easilyCant stratch the surface
Without moving me underneath
I bruise easilyI bruise easily

I found your fingerprints
On a glass of wine
Do you know you're leaving them
All over this heart of mine too
But if I never take this leap of faith
I'll never knowSo im learning to fall
With no safety net to cushion the blow

Anyone wo can touch you
Can hurt you or heal u
Anyone who can reach you
Can love you or leave u

So be gentle...

so perfect i was listening to music on itunes and this song came on... and it totally explains my life... the fact that im very sensitive to a relationship... but hard to the world.... i need someone to be careful with me... and love me and be there for me always

2006-02-18T01:35:00.000-08:00

i finally have ended my long week... something i had been praying would end everyday... and the days couldnt have gone by slower... sr papers are worthless and yet they determine your future... i have been feeling very confussed about college choices... people in my life dont make it easier either... just becuase you went there doesnt mean i want to... or doesnt mean you should influence my decision... a part of me wants to just move out and live with my megs... but then when does there come a point when its to late to get out... or do i need to get out anymore? am i content with the here and the now becuase i have already experienced so much... grown up so much... lived.... it seems like the people who go away to college go to find themselves... but im not sure that i need to fill that void anymore... i feel like experiences i have had, things that have happened, and situations that have occured have all forced me to grow up alot faster then most people. i feel like im at a higher level of thinking... no .... just a different level... if i were to go to osu... i might find out more about myself... or i might be bored... or i might fall into a party scene that i dont know what i want to be in, mostly becuase i have been there already and done that. the people who are going away need to go away from the nest and find themselves. i need to leave the nest to be a better person and to enjoy my life.
i have these thoughts running in my head everyday
and i always know that i should pray about them for clarity and a sense of direction but i never do it until i absolutely am down on my knees and lost.
so here i am in that place. and im finally ready to ask god to guide me, becuase i know tha ti cant do it on my own.

2 am breath by anna nalick

2006-02-13T23:14:00.000-08:00

questions...

so what do you do when you dont know where to go?
what do you do when you arent sure who you are
or what you want
or who you want
or who people are
do you become bold and put yourself out there time and time again?
just to allow pain time and time again?
do you become a bit bitter or a bit tired? or a bit affraid?
what do you do?

2006-01-31T22:57:00.000-08:00

Foot Prints in the Sand by Unknown

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him he looked back, at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of his life.
This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."
The LORD replied: "My son, My precious child, I love you and I would never leave you, During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

i think this verse helped get me through every thing hard in my life. if you are one of those people struggling with something in your life then i think you should really consider this verse and take it to heart. give it all up to god and allow him to carry your burdens.

2006-01-30T21:20:00.000-08:00

The Perks OF Being A Wallflower

recently i started this book. its in letter form (this kid writting a letter to someone) through the whole book. usually i dont like these types of books to read because i get bored with them for some reason like in the Color Purple, why cant the author just write a story with the same characters and same everthing else? anyways i ended up liking this book ver much, it has different meanings to different people, for some they relate to the suicide in it, others the homosexuality of it, the era of which it was writte, or the fact that its about a purely open mined individual. it grabbed my attention for the sake of its openess to the world. it talks about feeling infinite. charlie sam and patrick are driving and listening to landslide by fleetwood mac and in that moment with his friends he felt infinite. like nothing could touch him, like if he were to die at that time, he would have felt like everything was ok and peaceful and wonderful. have you ever felt infinite? i have had that feeling where i was on the top of the world and nothing could touch me. it was just me and the song that made the world mine. the fact of the mater is i never knew how to descibe it to anyone until i read that. so if you are ever driving in your car, and that one song comes on, and you have to turn it up, and then you feel special and amazing and on the top of the world. know that the feeling is a feeling being infinite.

song..... Natasha Bedingfield unwritten

2006-01-23T13:18:00.000-08:00

= shit

for those of you who are thinking that clear wire is cool.... well its not dont get it.... i am constantly either getting 1 kicked off of the net. 2 it just doesnt work. 3 the wireless tech isnt that good around here they only have 2 towers in medford and where my house is now located we dont get good reception. if its raining or snowing i can almost count on spending the night watching a crapy tv show because i wont be online. this is the first day in a series of 7 days that i havent been able to access the net. and im shocked that it works. thank goodness for choosing to update itunes, otherwise i would never have known i could connect.

2006-01-17T00:21:00.000-08:00

I have been tagged with a meme (I don't know what that is...) by Sean.5 habits:

1. i like to walk around my house naked, even if my mom and sister are home. why bother puting clothes on if you dont have them on?

2. i cant start something and then not finish it. if i am unable to finish it, then i spend the next few days obsessing about it and being stressed until i am able to.

3. i always leave doors open and lights on. i dont know why i think its a sign of knowing that ill be back you know like why shut the door when you are taking out the trash you will be back inside in like 2 sec.

4. i put things off alot. for instance, i have a sweet and really expensive nike watch that broke, and i can send it back to the nike co. and get a new one but i dont want to take the time to drive to drive to the ups store or the post office.

5. i make myself stressed out. when one bad or stressful thing happens i usually find a way for it to snow ball until i end up ruining something else. like stressing about sat scores, and head aches, and possible illnesses, and college choices, and my dad, and so on and then i take all those matters into my own hands and then they self destruct instead of letting god handle it all.

so i guess i fulfilled my part of tag?

2006-01-02T22:59:00.000-08:00

unwritten

open up the dirty window
let the sun
illumnate the words that you could not find

reaching for something in the distance so close you can almost taste it
release your inhabitions
feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

i think more people need to have faith in that tomorrow is a new and better day. tomorrow we will soar higher, think clearer, love harder, laugh louder, and dance with electricity. i dont think that enough people including me have faith. we dont know where life is going to take us. we need to live for today. and not worry about tomorrow. just have faith in it. we have been conditioned to not make mistakes, but i cant live like that. seriously people live for today. i know you are affraid of what may come that you might lose your friends that you might lose your bf. but if you live life in fear then you arent living.

whats living if you cant pull your pants down and slide on the ice?
live and love it!

2006-01-01T20:57:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year

last night was probably the best new years i have ever had. its a traditional night that is cause for celebration. i got to hang out with some old friends that i have missed dearly. they are all much older then i am but none the less still very fun. they reminded me of how much i love my independence from the high school world and how much i should treasure the people around me that i actually love and that actually love me. life should be spent with with those who adore you and respect you and who dont judge you. i think if you go through life keeping up a fake reality then you end up unhappy. once you work your way into a deep deep fakeness and you work hard to hide the real you. you lose yourself.

so my new years resolution is to not lose myself. to thine own self be true. be you and be amazing. dont be affraid to stand out or be different or have your own oppinions. be an individual. dont associate your life with being one giant group of people. just be you. you are all you got and you will all lose your you if you arent careful

2005-12-28T01:03:00.000-08:00

ok so here are the facts....

i was born 18 years ago today. dec 28 1987. i can now officially buy scratch its (i won 4 bucks!) buy cigars... bought 2, 1 for me 1 for em, go into porn shops which i haven't done yet. and many other things.

when i was little i always though 17 would be the most amazing age ever to be... dont ask why i have no clue! but i did it was the perfect age though... and i have to say its been the best age every know there will be many more but so far.... i went to Italy, the most beautiful place, had a great junior year with my girlies, fell for an amazing guy who opened my heart and allowed me to want to love, found out the truth about him, learned what living life to the fullest everyday was about, remembering i fall i get up but i keep dancin, gaining a huge sense of independence and confidence. walking with a little bounce in my step and loving myself.

17 only comes once in a life time dont it just fly by wild and free.... living on crazy dreams rock and roll and faded blue jeans and standing on the edge of everything!

thanks to all of you amazing friends and people who made my 17 so amazing! lets all have fun with our 18's and the try to enjoy our senior year.

song-tim mcgraw... seventeen!

2005-12-19T01:23:00.000-08:00

"Here's what I know. There are some lines too dangerous to cross. But there are others…if you're willing to throw caution to the wind and take a chance, the view from the other side is spectacular. " -greys anatomy

the best show on abc besides desperate house wives

2005-12-15T13:47:00.000-08:00

Mirror Mirror on the wall....

im flirting with the idea of dying my hair a dark brown... Rather then my fun flirty blonde... i feel like a more serious sophisticated brown...

if you have any reservations about this you should speak now or forever hold your peace. i value my loved ones opinions. so speak up

2005-12-14T22:18:00.000-08:00

swim update....

yesterday i got really mad at my coach for putting me in the back stroke and the 200 free... the 200 i placed 3rd... and the back... either 3rd or 4th... who really knows though because the mail tribune didn't print it!!

today we raced roseburg the #1 ranked team.. and i do believe we beat them... i forgot ALL of my asthma meds today! and i failed miserably at the 100 free getting 2 sec slower! and did well in the 50 free.

tonight i ran into a ghost from the past... and it made me a little sad... at first it was a little awkward having a conversation with him which was unavoidable without being rude. then it was comfortable and then it reminded me of old times. which made me even more sad because it reminded me of when i was actually welcome into someones family, and since i dont really have one of my own.... it was always a warm feeling in my heart. thank god my mom was there with me, even though it was her fault we were looking for freaking snow mobile boots... and she even made a recommendation to him about what kind to get. and then she wouldnt shut up she kept talking.

its very strange to me how gods little day to day plans play out. like why does he put people in certain places to by chance or coincidence or fate meet up and strike a convo? why does he let us heal and then open up new wounds by introducing old friends to us. why does he allow our hearts to break? why does he allow people to have relations with others? like friendships or relationships? wouldnt it just be easier to present us our future make without the extra dating bullshit? i dont know why he does all of these things.... this is the only explanation

" this right here is why i have to believe in something bigger then me. other wise i would go crazy trying to fix things that i have no control over"-greys anatomy

2005-12-11T19:31:00.000-08:00

Cabin Fever

this weekend i ventured out into the great town of gold hill... drove past the Oregon vortex and up a little hill to chill at this cute little cabin. it was like an american eagle meets the ending party of american pie 2 cabin. it was so picturesque there was this giant chandelier light that you could have jumped onto from the upstairs but you wouldnt have. the doors were like actual giant thick wood. i remember sitting amongst the chaos of the group and just sitting there looking at all of the beauty and serenity. i think living in a log cabin would be way chill. crazy things happen sometimes in life with people you never thought they would happen with. i never thought i would have fun hanging out with certain people, but i was pleasantly surprised. people surprise you everyday. in good ways and bad. but will never forget dancing on the balcony to all i want for christmas is you. again american eagle meets pie.

song: heres to the nights by eve 6

2005-12-06T22:53:00.000-08:00

OSU!!!!

ok so yesterday my mom called me and was all hey kenz your acceptance letter to
OSU came today... i opened it for you congrats... its not that i didnt think i would get in... because anyone could get into OSU but i did think it would be really fun to open my very first college acceptance letter. oh and by the way my mom and her bf knew about it before i did, because she called and told him and then me... it was weird. but none the less im going there unless im strunken down with something really weird... but other then that... im bound for OSU!!!

for swimming news....

i decreased my times by 1 sec in the 100 free.... and by 2 secs in the 50 free. now all i need to do is lose 5 sec in the 100 and i might be able to walk on in college. i dont know we will see.

2005-12-04T11:36:00.000-08:00

"RENT ME"

last night I went and saw rent which by the way was nothing short of amazing. If I would have seen it a year ago with a different audience by my side I probably would not have been open minded at all. I would not have been able to look past the sex drugs and homosexuality to see the true deeper meaning that is tangled up in the plot. What I walked away with was a theme that captured me "forget regret or life is yours to miss." you cant sit and waste away your life in sadness in fear. You have to get out there after you fall and get back up. You have to press on. Otherwise you are missing out on life. Pay no mind to those who hurt you. Or else you will spend to much precious time of your beautiful life thinking about them and they will eat you away. Even though angel was a transvestite with aids and he was different then everyone he was able to love. And to let love in. How many straight people can you say that for. He was able to just be. And I think its awesome that someone can just be even though they have differences or if they are living with a disease that will kill them. The movie was amazing and I would suggest anyone to see it... As long as you are an open minded type of person...

2005-11-29T22:36:00.000-08:00

The Girl I Used To Know

The girl I used to know walked with her head held high
the girl I used to know was confident
The girl I used to know Loved every part of herself
The girl I used to know I did enjoy.

She was blonde and tall and skinny
her green eyes warm and loving.
she loved to dress up
she loved to walk with a strut.

The girl I used to know would light up a room when she walked in
the girl I used to know always held a grin.
her smile so warm and true.
her laughter sent a smile straight to you.
her personality was her curly happy locks.

she went through a moment in time...
even more happy then this
she would kiss the world every day.
she loved her friends.

one day her heart broke
her eyes turned grey
and she slept all day.

now she is coming out of her shell
knowing she is amazing
and beautiful and true
her confidence is rebuilding

The girl I know is strong
she is proud
she knows that each day is a lesson
a test of ones true spirit and soul
she will come out on top
I will come out on top
confidence and natural beauty never go out of style.
no one has the power to take away your confidence and soul
Never give up
Never give in
Love you everyday
don't let someone ever take that away

find your identity and love it and embrace it
you are all thatcha got.
don't lose your identity in someone else
you are better then that
you are better.
and you deserve the world

2005-11-25T21:36:00.000-08:00

Dear God,
Its me again down here
dont want to sound insincere
I'm lost
Sometimes you're so unclear
what can i do?
Im feeling so far from you
Frustrated
Irritated
Disconected from it all
the weight of the world has pushed me to the wall.

Ill surrender im giving in
come take me, save me
I want to start again
Ill open my broken heart
cause ive reached the end
and you are the way to begin

Our entire lives and the things that happen in them are not simply by chance. people, events, and life long lessons are placed in our lives to teach us something. to allow us to fall and get up and keep on dancing. God puts people in our lifes to make us better, to change us, to make us see something new. God takes them to make us better, to change us, and most of all to make us stronger. God allows your heart to break in every way, not to punish you, but to give you the gift of life. to allow you to experience the reality of the world. He wants you to walk through the world showing that you are a christian and to help others going through hard times. what doesnt kill you makes you stronger. i have faced many hard times, and i know that there will be many more hard times coming. but with those hard times comes beauty. a beauty that no one else can touch or feel. as much as i love all of the people around me, i can never really share the beauty of feeling pain or loss. its something we must all face on our own and embrace.

here is to the old me, no not the old me, the me that was burried under a blanket, i am that i am. the girl that lights up the room when she walks in. pays no mind to other peoples oppinions. speaks her mind. loves herself. trusts herself. is confident. and beautiful. and holds her head up

Song... Krystal Meyers The way to begin

2005-11-23T15:00:00.000-08:00

three cheers for sweet revenge

whats the worst that i could say?
so long and good night

cant wait for the holidays!!!

2005-11-22T21:39:00.000-08:00

YOU

-Jackie Velasquez

Who makes the sun light up my shadows
When the darkness tries to follow me
Who makes the air that brings me life
So I can breathe the love that's given to me
You make everything good, everything wonderful
You grace my days and heaven fills my view
Let's forever sing
You make everything pure, everything beautiful
You make me see the only thing that's true
It's You It's You
Who makes the waters of my sorrow part
And leads the gladness into my heart
Who makes the rivers run that wash away
And clean my soul to make a new start
You make everything good, everything wonderful
You grace my days and heaven fills my view
Let's forever sing
You make everything pure, everything beautiful
You make me see the only thing that's true
It's You You hung the moon
You placed the stars that shine
Your love for me
I hope all that I doWill show reflections of You
All I do All for You
To shine Your love for me
You make everything good, everything wonderful
You grace my days and heaven fills my view
Let's forever sing
You make everything pure, everything beautiful
You make me see the only thing that's true
It's You It's You It's You
You're everything pure
And beautiful...

i have loved this song since i was in about 5th grade. the first time i ever heard it was when my dear friend Emily played it on the piano and sang it. that same week i was really sick and we were out of town on a river rafting trip with jessicas church. its a song that has stuck with me... forever and always.

2005-11-18T10:30:00.000-08:00

Harry Potter Review....

So yesterday we went and sat in line from 2:30 until the movie started. Not sure if it was worth it. It seems like you had to actually read the book before you could have seen the movie because they left out so much detail that was crutial to the plot. If i wouldnt have read it i would have been so confussed as to who Moody was, why the other schools were coming, and i wouldnt have been so dissapointed with the show down between Voldemort and Harry. I must however applaud the director for adding some fairly attractive actors to the cast... too bad cedric had to die. Oh yes and durring the whole movie i was laughing at the attraction bewtween hagrid and the really really really really tall head mistress of one of the other schools. ( i dont know names, and i didnt care to pay enough attention.) the special effects were pretty neat, better then the rest of the movies, and the action scenes werent fake at all. Oh and wasnt it in every book you start out at private drive? or is that my imagination? because this movie didnt. Oh yeah Moaning myrtle take a bath with harry... harry is naked... it was really weird. umm oh yeah Wood was supossed to be in a scene where he is expressing his anger towards quidich being replaced with the tri wizard tourney... didnt happen... and wood is amazing... oh yeah they didnt really show the anger towards quidich being canceled. and the new dumbledor... sucks cock. so over all alot of action at a fast pace... but not that great. but it was still fun to stay out till 4:30 in the morn with the intention of going to practice, attending all my classes, and then venturing to ptown! luckly.... i am here at home having slept through practice, and attending one worthless AP Lit class.

2005-11-14T19:27:00.000-08:00

Competition
by Miriah Burton Nelson

I like to swim naked
I like to swim fast
Swimming next to you I swim faster
Shed more layers of flesh
Learn your rhythms as well as my own
Each time I breathe I see you
breathe
stroke
breathe
stroke
and see you again
You can tell by my stroke that I need you
You can tell by my stroke
by the way that I breathe
that I need your stroke, your breath
that to be my best
I need you swimming beside me

today i had a very very bad practice. i didnt have the drive to do it. the want to take a stroke or the will push myself in anyway. i felt defeated. and i hate that feeling. as most athletes know everyone has their down days. it just sucks. its the worst feeling ever. worse then anything else i have experienced. why?, because the water is my escape, its what pulls me from my hell and lets me sort things out. i hate it when that salvation when the thing that becomes one with you feels so distant. when you can run away to the water and feel like you are in your natural element, you feel at home. home is where the heart is. today my heart was not in it. but i wont give up because i need it. just like Mae the ocean needs the wave. silence broken by your voice in the dark.

The Everglow and The Ocean by Mae

2005-11-12T18:11:00.000-08:00

The days of old...................................

Thursday night i went to my dear old friend jenna's to do none other then watch the most corny yet amazing night time soap ever... the OC... then i got up at the butt crack of dawn to do nothing but swim... then i headed out of this little town to portland with some of the girls... it was deja vu of bball playoffs all over again. we went shoping watched south lose to sprauge in double overtime in the freezing rain... only to wake up the next morning and visit the best school in the entire world... OSU!!! now the moment i get my acceptance letter from there is the moment i can say that i am 100% a beaver. until then... im only 95%. the campus is the most amazingly beautiful campus i have viewed so far. after today i officialy cant wait to leave here south and medford and go away to OSU!!! until then i will continue to count down the weeks and months. 26 weeks... about 8 months! i am so elated with my day that it has given me the chance to only forget about all of the past... and be ready and wanting my future.

2005-11-08T00:22:00.000-08:00

Matts Toast

"to the nights that we get to drunk to remember, but not drunk enough to forget"

AMEN

the presence is just a pleasent interuption to the past

2005-11-07T23:36:00.000-08:00

I wish i could sleep! craddle your head in your hands and breath

This weekend i was at a little get together as you would call it. i met this guy named matt from eastern oregon university. we just talked lol nothing more. but he was real deep. i told him everything that has happened to me for the last couple few months. i just poured my heart out as i usually do when im in that circumstance. out of the few things that i remember anyone distinctly saying was matt, and his words of advice. that go as follows people do things all the time that make themselves feel good. for instance when you give money to a charity you arent usually giving it because you care so much about other people but because it makes you feel good about youself. people are selfish in life. they do things and say things without consideration of other peoples feelings. its weird because all sr year so far i go to make a decision and i ask advice of adults and they say do have to do what you have to do. and i understand it you know. i understand that we have to do things in our lives for us, but i wonder do we ever consider how they might effect others? or do we even care? like when i quit polo, i did it for me. and i didnt really take into consideration the feelings of the girls that i actually liked. its like that with relationships to i guess. like you start to lose that loving feeling (reminds me of top gun lol) and you dont really talk about it with the person. you just decide that its not working out and it would just be easier for you to give up. not taking into consideration how the other person feels at all. i have done this so people before, and i never knew how bad it hurt one of them until the very same thing happened to me. and then i remembered the slogan do unto others as you would have done unto you. so i guess what i feel at this very moment is confussion within myself. because i dont really know if i just miss having someone around, because lets be honest i havent really been single for a year, dating and dumping and then being dumped. or if i just miss the person, or if im upset because im struggling to almost totally abolish them from me and at the same time know that they already have. who knows if anyone has any comments or thoughts on my thoughts i would love to hear them. i dont want people to think that im weak because i have low points to my life, but i think that everyone does have those points even if they dont want to admit it.

song... For the moments i feel faint by Relient K

2005-11-06T17:18:00.000-08:00

Wonderwall.......

on friday night i sat next to bryan grant at the football game that we lost... and he started to sing oasis's great song wonderwall.... and i couldnt really help but think i love that song so much! like im not really sure what a wonderwall is... but the rest of the lyrics just capture me. its about all relationships in life, with friends, boyfriends, god, i dont know but just its so refreshing to hear a band that captures you in a moment and exposes all of your inner thoughts and feelings. the same thing with champagne supernova... thank you Dustin for turning me onto all of this music within out Cruel Intentions movie nights. i will forever miss you.

2005-11-02T15:14:00.000-08:00

The best thing that has happened to me since sliced cheese!

I found out today that I don't have to take the sat again! I have been stressing out about having to take it this weekend for the past 2 weeks! God finally has shown me that if I hold on a little while he will relieve all my stress! And he has! Its all gone!

2005-11-01T19:05:00.000-08:00

Memory Book

Senior Year Hc!!!

My Best Friend in the entire world.... and the HC Queen!

Emily, Jill, Me, Jillian, and Meg

These are the best girls in the entire world!!!
Friends Forever!

Songs of the night... La La by Ashlee.... My Humps by Black Eyed Peas.... dinner at OH's and after the dance... well use your own imaginations.

2005-11-01T18:53:00.000-08:00

The end of my favorite month...

anyone who knows me knows that october is probably my favorite month out of the year... not christmas, or my birthday, which both fall in the same month. im not really sure why i love it so much but i think it is because it has to do with the leaves turning color and falling. it reminds me of when i was kid and i would run and jump into big piles of leaves with my sister. there were two incredible days that stand out in my mind filled with the colors of fall one being on a sunny day in J-Ville and the other was when i was on my way home from a mini road trip. this month was filled with everything, while alot of crazy things happened, like having intense head aches that were thought to be a possible very serious health risk, being stressed about my SAT, and colleges, and finding the true meaning of the song Shine On by ryan cabrera, along with hc which was amazing, carving pumpkins at the very last year of the Smith tradition, and then running through the very last night of the corn maze with friends that were long lost. i know that these things are memories that will have forever, good bad or indifferent.

Shine on Ryan Cabrera

2005-10-29T14:09:00.000-07:00

The childhood hockey friend knows best!

2005-10-29T10:36:00.000-07:00

I have always wanted to make a blog because I always thought it would be nice to express my views and feelings through some type of writing. I tried a blog once before, but I just didn't really have anything to say in it. This is my blog for all to see if they do so please. If you don't like what I have to say... Its ok. People do and say things all the time that we don't like. But that is life. So my main inspiration for this blog, was the sudden and unexpected break up I encountered. After an intense crying session (and I admit I did cry) I realized, that if someone can let you just totally and utterly fall for them and they act the same to you, and then in the blink of an eye change their mind because of break down on my part, that there was something else going on with them. Like for instance an excuse that they want to be able to hang around other girls w/o feeling bad, which means there is someone else that I have an interest in, but I just cant admit it. I'm sorry but breaking up with someone on the phone, after being completely false just doesn't leave much evidence that their relationship was as strong as they had thought or as he had lead her on to believe. But she should have been smarter because she was not the first to encounter such an expression of rude and gutless behavior.
No one really knows what the future holds for us. I never would have guessed that I would come home one day when I was 15 and be told that my dad was having an affair. And I never would have guessed that it would have shut me out from the world, making me afraid to love, and to let love in, and to care about other people.
But it did, and then one day a tall red head came into my life making me want to crawl out of my cave and throw everything to the wind. He made me want to kiss the world. Thanks to him I was finally able to accept someone into my heart and not be afraid. he enabled me to let go and jump in. It seems like our whole relationship was pretty much a good time. I'm not mad, I'm sorry if it seems like I am, just hurt, but I will be ok because I will be forever gratefully for him to let me finally be happy and accepting of love. Even though I will be letting you go, I wont let that feeling go with you. I will keep that piece of me that was missing for so long, and grow with it. I changed you to. and I hope you go into every day with the best intentions to "want to kiss the world" even if its someone else you are kissing too. I will miss falling asleep in your arms and cuddling and you kissing me, and the beach, and the words in the letters that you wrote, and my fish, I long for them. the hardest part is the pictures and phone calls that you get used to. I wont forget the first kiss or the last. but like me you will be replaced and experience those things again. I'm sorry if I got annoying as I was told by a source and I will never really understand what made your "heart change" even though I have an idea. I'm sorry it was my fault that I was stressed and that I was thinking to much into the future. but life is what happens when you are to busy making other plans- john Lennon. that is all I have to say for now ... like a great woman once said "you both have a long life a head of you." and we do.

song for now.... good night , goodbye bye Mae